How to Succeed at Hard Conversations
Huberman Lab Podcast with Chris Voss
Summary
This is a nearly three-hour podcast in which Neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Huberman interviews former FBI negotiator Chris Voss. They cover various topics from Voss’s time talking down hostage takers. They pull key insights from those tense situations to apply to hard conversations in life.
“Being blunt vs straight shooter. A straight shooter tells you the truth, but in a way that lands softly.”-Voss.
Lessons from the Interview
Look at Yourself First
Approach all difficult conversations with a self-reflective mindset. Intentionally calm yourself before getting into it.
The tone of voice matters in these conversations; low frequencies help people listen to the content of what you say better.
Approach conversations to the goal of learning rather than have a clear outcome predetermined.
Anyone good at what they do takes good care of themselves. You must show up as your best self to do your best job through sleep and self-care.
Gage Urgency
Do not simply cave when someone throws down an ultimatum. Gage the level of seriousness. It is most likely a vague threat if it is open-ended and does not have timelines and outcomes.
Something concrete and urgent needs to be addressed calmly and with logic.
Slow Questioning
Slow things down and ask fair, open-ended questions.
Circle back with open-ended questions so that you can better understand their perspective and take in all the inputs they're giving you. Doing so will allow you to process everything without missing things they say while you are thinking.
Setting the tone
Soften the tone in text/email. The message will come across as colder than if delivered in person.
Be honest and direct when setting up meetings or calls. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’ve got bad news, or you’re not going to like what I have to say.” Let them know it's coming. People are resilient when they know it's coming. Give them time to gather so you won’t catch them off guard.
Don’t dance around challenging subjects and waste each other's time because you are afraid. “Direct and succinct”
Being a Straight Shooter
“Blunt vs straight shooter. A straight shooter tells you the truth, but in a way that lands softly.”-Voss.
Most people aren't actually sparing the other person when avoiding hard conversations, but themselves.
Don’t fire someone on Friday; do it on a Monday so they have a work week to figure themselves out. You can’t hunt for a job on a Saturday.
Empathy
Use empathy to help people feel understood. You don’t need to comment or agree/disagree; just articulate their perspective as you know it.
Mirroring is repeating some of the last 1-3 words they just said. It shows empathy but also makes them hear themselves.
When you need a state change in the conversation, ask them what they love about what they do.
Three Big Lessons
Have the right mindset and tone of voice before going into hard conversations.
Set the tone by being a “straight shooter” and give them a heads-up about the type of conversation you are having.
Use empathy and ask open-ended questions. Articulate what they are saying back to them.
Brad’s Review
The Hubberman Lab Podcast episodes tend to be very long and cover a range of topics. The FBI stories were very interesting, but overall, the podcast was less helpful in dealing with hard conversations while coaching others.
